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Hysterical Hysterectomy

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Day 1. Wheeled down to the holding bay to wait for operation, wise guy trying to lighten the mood, offering gin and vodka. I wish!! it would have been a treble rum and coke for me. After the operation I was woken every hour throughout the night for blood pressure checks and pain killers, no wonder I felt shattered. I’m in an all inclusive on-suite four star NHS room and in no pain. Pee bag filled up to alarming size, you could have used it as a space hopper. The nurse bounced it out the ward. Just wondering about wearing a catheter all the time. I wouldn’t have to get out of the bed in the middle of the night again. Just need a nice bag to cover it up in the day.

Day 2. Light above bed looked like white teeth. Had to turn it off, it was giving me nightmares. Notice on wall with time and name of next visit by the nurses. One name was Michelle, in my head kept reading it as microliters. It must be the painkillers. In my fuddled state kept expecting her to fly into my room. Difficult to get out of bed, knees together, roll onto side and push yourself up, kept thinking I'd wish I had lost weight before I came in or had stronger arms. Here's a tip, do weightlifting before you have the op. Still in no pain.

One of the perks of the operation is the gassy belly afterwards, I keep trumping. No wonder the visitors kept sitting by the open window, but I was too relieved to get rid of it to care. Looked outside the window to see four fit young men abseiling down the building to clean the windows, I bet they’ve seen some sights. As least they won’t have long to wait for an ambulance if they fell.

Day 3. Visitor arrived with wilting roses, a bit like me. luckily the nurse managed to revive them, the roses, not the visitor. Also had lots of chocolate and fruit bought in for me. I must be ill as I could only manage to eat a pear. The choux cakes will have to wait. Went for a wash by myself this morning. managed to walk to bathroom without fainting, then mistakenly put my nice clean day clothes to rest in the bidet which caused the water to automatically turn on soaking my clothes. Had to put my nightie back on. I have been wearing the hospital nightie, it looked better than mine. I like the way it opened at the back.

Physio lady came to see me today to talk about pelvic muscle exercises which had to be done for life unless you want your front bottom dropping out. I’ll read the leaflet later. Bored, but can't be bothered to read. Got a book from the cheap shop about how miserable stand up comedians are. Didn't manage to get further than chapter one, it was about a crying clown, the next chapter sounded promising though, “Booze, Broads and the Painted Penis”. I will get round to reading it one day.

Started to obsess about the colour of my pee. A chart in the toilet shows which shade of lemon it should be. They tell you to drink loads of water but then say try not to go to the loo too often. Waiting for doctor to come today, hope I don't faint again as it frightened the life out of her yesterday. She had to fetch the nurse.

Day 4. Discharged today, I was disappointed as I had just ordered my dinner.

 

Author bio: My name is Christine King, I am a research librarian. My hobbies are researching my family tree and travel. I have always wanted to write short stories and decided that now was a good time to start. This story is about a patient’s strange thoughts during a short stay in hospital.

 

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