“I won’t be hard to miss,” He had said on the phone.
Well, He was right.
When I got to our assigned meeting place – a Burger King on the outskirts of town – I could see Him from the parking lot: this incredibly bright, white light, there in the corner of the front room, behind a Whopper and a chocolate shake.
“Hi,” I said, as I approached His holiness’s table.
“I’m Margie.”
I had moved to this godforsaken hell-hole of a town only a week or two ago. Having trouble meeting people (what is it with these people? what’s their problem?) I tried a dating app.
I had swept right when I saw His hobby: running the universe.
“Sit down, my child,” the bright light was telling me there at the Number 2 burger chain in America. “How are you today, Margaret?”
And then we got to talking. Turns out we have a lot in common! He likes baseball, like me, movies, like me, and crushing evil forces to win, which I’ve always been keen to.
Anyway, we got to know each other. I mean, I got to know Him, I should say. He already knew me. From when my spirit was just part of the Big Bang. I mean, a long time ago.
But turns out, He’s lonely like me. I mean, how do you meet people when you’re the Guy who created people?
So, anyway, we hung out. Movies, baseball games, walks in the empty malls.
He liked that the best. He said all those empty storefronts reminded Him of the beginning of time, when He had to make everything.
This Guy was something else, let me tell you.
Once we were sitting on a bench in a park. Of course, passersby were staring, taking pictures, and asking for autographs. I’d gotten used to that.
Well, we’d just been shooting the breeze, talking about whatever came to mind. I told him I had a huge crush on this new pitcher for the Yankees. He mentioned that the Earth and all the other planets in the solar system seemed to be slightly off in their orbits around the Sun, and He needed to fix that.
Then I noticed that part of His light was shining on my right thigh.
“Hey, Buddy!” I said to the Omnipotent One. “Watch your light there. We don’t know each other that well.”
“What do you mean?” Mr. Bright Light retorted. “I’ve known you since the days when you were dust on a flea’s eyelid, and I will know you when you will be nothing more than lunch for the gophers.”
He could cut you down like that.
You didn’t want to make God angry.
Anyway, I relaxed a bit that day on the park bench. And heavens to Betsy, we started a physical relationship!
I mean, it wasn’t like any I’d had before. I mean, you’ve heard God is love? Let me tell you, God is a lover!
But enough about my escapades with incandescence and sunburn. Let’s just say: it was thrilling and amazing and all I could have hoped for.
And then one day, He stopped answering my prayers.
What is it with Guys like him? At first, they’re all, Look at me! I’m the master of the universe! But you get to know them a little bit? And guess what?
They’re just as scared and lonely as you are, waiting for the next thrill.
Which in His case, usually meant making sure the sun rose every morning, but that’s another issue.
So, in conclusion, here’s how I would sum up my dating app encounter with His Magnificence, the Maker of All that Is:
Nice Guy. Bright.
But maybe I can do better?
THE END
Bio: Lawrence Hartmann is a researcher and writer living in Chicago. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..