Imploding,
Exploding,
Fighting,
And Hurting.
Some of things I want to do,
Cause much pain,
To myself,
And to others too.
In my early 20's,
Life's meant to be free,
In my early 20's,
Felt trapped within me.
Raging inside,
Volcanic activity,
Some part of me decides,
This is who I'm not meant to be.
Feels so odd,
Knowing I'm booked in to see you,
Don't want to admit I'm crazy,
But I keep falling through.
First impression,
You're an intellectual, stuck up twat,
Last impression,
You saved my life, I was a twat.
There you was tall and in tweed,
There I was small and in need,
Take your time with things to say,
I was wanting to end the madness in a day.
Relationship didn't happen,
Immediately,
Didn't know how to open up,
Personably.
Rigid as rock,
Stiff as a board,
Your kind clever words,
Soothed my innards.
Emotionally I was gone,
To a distant plane,
You sensed my drama,
Sensed my pain.
Five months in,
Progress was made,
Memories of a time,
Taught myself to fade.
Trauma, shock,
And deep melancholy,
Mother's suicide,
Soul so miserably.
Broken, and beaten,
The work began,
Didn't grieve as child,
Now you can.
A November rainy night,
A Night I wouldn't forget,
Sat on a bench by myself,
Sat because my legs forget.
Tears of sadness,
Tears of unrelenting pain,
Tears holding darkened memories,
Tears as heavy as the rain.
Pain nothing like it,
Hurting to the core,
Told you of this time,
Told me you're bound to be very sore.
You rationalised my memories,
You helped soothe my mind,
You told me trauma is difficult,
You told me to give it time.
Alone with my thoughts,
Regularly,
Suicidal ideation,
Daily.
Desperate and tired,
My functioning expired,
Running on empty,
10% Cognitively.
Desperately, I hung on,
Fastidiously, you worked on,
Frustratingly, the pain wouldn't go,
Relentlessly, we worked it to the bone.
As time wore on,
Soften was the word,
A few times I forgot,
Appointments that were sacred before.
Three years later,
I'm a different young man to what I was then,
You helped me grieve the pain,
I was able to start again.
You said, you were always there for me.
Unprofessional of you,
You gave me your mobile number,
For me to use.
I'll owe you my life,
My sanity, to you,
You shrugged your shoulders and smiled,
'This is what I do'.