Not matter what I do,
To get away from you,
Something persists,
A feeling I can't miss.
During the day,
The signs are clear to see,
Tiredness & lethargy,
Daily regularity.
Exercise is an option,
To release this from me,
Distraction from a feeling,
Embedded within me.
I know I'm not depressed,
Living life in a daily hell,
I know I'm not suicidal,
White suite, padded cell.
Yet what I can't seem to understand,
This longevity,
A malaise never ending,
Lot's of self questioning.
Where does it come from,
I know the cause,
Years of mental torment as child,
Striking my soulful source.
Years of therapy,
Made me a professor of intellect,
Understanding un-emotionally,
Why can't I seem to get it?
Lost the battle,
Defeated to the core,
Walking aimlessly through life,
Until God opens the door.
It doesn't matter what day it is,
Month or calender event of the year,
This agitation continually persists,
Especially during the festive cheer.
I know it shouldn't be this way,
Letting life get to me,
Unrelenting,
Not being able to break free.
Sometimes it feels like,
Trauma, seeped under my skin,
Affecting on a cellular level,
Rattling my bones like a tin.
Within my bone marrow,
Red cells are put to rest,
Pushing aside the healthy stem cells,
Melancholy, creating a permanent nest.
It feels like my bones are aching,
Exhausted,
Old,
And Wasted.
Believe you me I've tried,
All what I can,
Going down the psychedelic route,
Facing it like a man.
Seven times I've been to the eternal realm,
Geometric patterns,
Symbolic meanings,
It Takes a lifetime to understand.
Coming back to normality,
And Feeling very raw,
Searching for my lost soul,
It lies within my spiritual heart core.
More myself now, this is good,
Old memories flood back,
I was so emotionally free before,
Before life went black.
This jumping of emotions,
Continues within me,
Flooded with sadness and laughter,
Unbelievably.
Feels like there is a battle,
Internally,
My true character,
Fighting to be seen.
The cost of this is, heavy,
To me, personally,
Tired am I, emotionally.
Need to escape, momentarily.
I vape a weed vape,
A few times a week,
Takes me to a feeling,
To stop me feeling weak.
A source of relaxation,
Deep within me,
Wanting satisfaction,
Wanting to nocturnal flee.
With tired heavy eyes,
A Slouching posture,
I head to bed,
Wanting some dreamy closure.
I lay in bed, dazed,
Wanting to snore,
Emotions are still playing havoc,
Spasming my muscles, stopping the snore.
Eventually I collapse,
Into a dope fuelled stupor,
Waking halfway through the night,
Tongue like sandpaper.
On it goes,
Living this way,
Keeping my turmoiled emotions,
Trying my hardest to keep them away.